Good Monday Morning!
We have experienced SO MUCH RAIN in the past week, and I am thrilled that the sun is finally making an appearance. This morning, it actually feels like a crisp fall morning, which is highly irregular for our part of south. I got out and enjoyed a slow walk earlier this morning soaking up the scenery and weather while listening to a podcast. It was truly relaxing.
The family I babysit for has been out of town, which means I have had a good bit of free time. This is a gift, because I have had extra time to see friends and can pretty much spend my days how I choose. However, I have struggled with this lack of routine and schedule, and I found myself googling “classes,” such as calligraphy, smocking, and pottery, I could take, but all of the classes I found were taking a break for this portion of the summer. I am trying to think of a house project I could complete, but our house is pretty settled for the moment. I will certainly update you if I choose a new venture in my current downtime!
I have made the decision to throw away my planner and not make, “to do,” lists. This sounds counterintuitive to being productive, but I see this as a challenge for me. I decided, that if I forget something in the day or do not complete a task I had envisioned, it was either not that important or it can be done another day. I do still have specific events stored in my i cal, but these are specific items which, generally, would affect someone else if I was to forget them. I will be honest, that it has been somewhat freeing, but I have had to be intentional about not, “listing” and “to do-ing,” because this has been my default for as long as I can remember.
In speaking of living more in freedom, rather than in my default desire to control myself, this has been a similar theme in my work to restore my health by gaining weight and gaining freedom from my control and restriction of food. I will be honest, this has been much harder, than I predicted. I think this has been due to the fact, that I have learned more about myself and have been more truthful with myself about the reasons why I have struggled to gain my health through gaining weight in the past. I will begin by telling you, that my dietitian does not weigh me in our meetings. I thought this strange at first, but when we talked about it, she told me she wants me to EAT and not be obsessed with the number on the scale going up or down. I agree with her in this decision, because I had always thought I was a goal person and needed to see this to make progress. I have realized though, that I also want control in this area of my life and the number on the scale is something I cannot and should not try to control. My progress is based, at this point, by eating foods, I had previously deemed, “unhealthy,” if there is such a thing. I also am working to eat much more in the quantity of food than I have in the past, instead of restricting what I eat. Controlling and restricting, both the type of food I eat and the amount of food I eat, has become second nature to me, and I do it without thinking about it. This is the key, I have to think about ordering the salmon from my favorite restaurant, not just with a salad, but with rice or potatoes. I have to think about eating, because I am hungry, even if it is not my typical mealtime or snack time. Why has this become such a struggle for me? I believe, I have made this a habit in my life, and like all habits, it is hard to break.
Throughout this journey I have been on this past month, I have also become so aware of the, “diet culture,” we live in today. I have had to unfollow some people on Instagram or stop reading certain blogs, because they were filling my mind with thoughts which are not beneficial for me. Rather, I have tried to listen to podcasts, look at Instagram or Facebook feeds, and read blogs that encourage me in my pursuit to gain health by gaining weight. In honesty, listening to and reading these resources is what has made me realize I cannot do this on my own, and that this area of my life is something I am mentally struggling to overcome. As I hear others stories of growth and recovery, I have seen, although health is defined in our culture by size and weight, this simply is not a way to live life. Fitting into this mold, becomes the definition of who you are and sucks the life out of you. What is still so difficult, is, although I can be mindful of what I see and read, I cannot escape this culture in my daily life. EVERYONE talks about weight loss, diets, and body image. I was at lunch with a couple of people a few weeks ago, and every single person there was on a diet and talking about their diets for a portion of our meal. They said they could only order certain foods, because their trainer would see what they eat. Without even realizing it, I began to think about what I ordered in this same light, but I do not believe this was their fault. I am just sharing where my mind quickly goes. I do know this can be an aspect of some gyms and could be helpful for some people. However, for my situation, I am glad, that where I choose to give movement to my body, does not carry this mindset or these practices. I do have friends and family who model for me and encourage me to live healthfully rather than constrictively, but even they are human and sometimes fall in the same arena in topics of discussion and lifestyle practices. It does seem, everywhere you turn,, there are people who are trying to loose weight and change their bodies, and this quickly becomes the topic of conversation. In these moments, I have to speak truth to myself and remember who I am. That I am faithfully loved and fully accepted, and I am created for a far reaching purpose in this life, which is beyond myself.
I thank you for reading this post, friends, and I hope it is a wonderful week! I will check in soon with more thoughts and updates.