Hello and Happy Holidays!
It has been a really long time, since I have posted. I cannot give you a concrete reason why I have neglected to post, but I am making it a goal to post more frequently. Writing is a therapeutic activity for me, and I believe this space also keeps me accountable.
As I write today, I want to address what has been happening in my journey to gain weight. It has been such a long time since my last post, that I will not even attempt to completely catch you up on all that has happened. Therefore, I will just hit some highlights. I also want to focus on the anxiety that surrounds the holidays. I believe anxiety during this time of year affects everyone, but I also know it does impact each person in different ways. For some, it is the stress of family or the never ending spending sprees on gifts and activities. Others, like myself, struggle with anxiety from the crazy schedule which carries no consistency and routine. I am positive you could fill in the blank with your own anxiety triggers. Since I most identify with the anxiety of lack of schedule and routine, I will focus on this. I do not relax in knowing that I have no idea what each day will hold, when it comes to my schedule, and yes, not being in my food routine is also unsettling.
A very important event recently was a trip to my doctor where I was informed, that although previously told my blood work was all clean, it is not completely healthy. I have some levels in hormones which are low, and I will need to work really hard to raise these levels, as well as, take medication to raise them in order to conceive a child. Medicine as a “fix” is not my preference, and I KNOW everyone has differing schools of thought on this. Taking medication is a band-aid for an underlying problem, but I do know what I want the end result to be. I am willing to walk this road, in spite of the struggles which probably will come, but I also cannot try to do it on my own which is what I have been trying to do. This is one of the main events of the past few months, and my husband and I have had a few really long talks about it. He is concerned and does not know fully how to help and what to do which makes me sad and wishing there was a quick fix and easy solution. I have tried to shoulder all of this on my past few months, and this is unhealthy and does not help me heal.
The next subject I want to bring before you, is the joyfulness but also journey of this time of year. As I said, the lack of routine has left me searching for consistency, and there is not much to be found! I have tried to enjoy my slow mornings of reading and praying, sitting in quiet, and eating a homemade meal for breakfast while watching TV. I have spent a great deal of time with friends and family which has been really filling for my soul. All of these things are small, but they are special ways I am able to relax into the holidays.
However, I have still have some anxiety about the food which will not be my regular choices, because it will be out of my control what is served and when I eat my meals. One thing, I really tried to do over Thanksgiving was focus on the people I was with and not the food. This did create a much calmer environment in my head, and I was able to more enjoy the “time” rather than focusing on the “table.” When I met with my dietitian yesterday, we talked about a few challenges and goals for the coming week. One goal is to eat a portion, not just a bite, of foods I would never choose on my own. Also, I need to eat all 3 meals, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, with snacks, even when I know I am having a big lunch or dinner, rather than skipping or skimping. Does this sound easy? For me, it is not, especially when our diet culture preaches the exact opposite of what I am seeking to do. I know I can do it, but I need to prepare for each situation.
If I am honest, I have not been completely diligent with gaining weight, and my commitment to it comes and goes. I do not understand why most people around me do not have to work as hard as me at gaining weight, and this can be frustrating. It is hard for me to step out of my comfort zone with eating, and I do not necessarily know how to anymore. I am having to basically reteach myself to enjoy all foods and not restrict or restrain myself from foods which are not on my safe list. The truth is that I will probably always be a person who does enjoy foods such as fruits, vegetables, eggs, fish, hummus, and other foods in this same arena. I doubt you will ever catch me ordering a Big Mac! The foods I enjoy are tasty, satisfy me and make me feel so good inside and outside. However, this does not mean that other foods would not be enjoyable and satisfying, at times, as well, and would be beneficial to me in social situations, in particular.
In writing the post, I hope to encourage all readers to embrace this special time of year. It can be so easy to become consumed with all of the food, gifts, visits, etc., that you are unable to truly gain the joy which comes in full during this time of the year. Many blessings to you and your families throughout this season!