I am back again, and I am ready to admit a few things to you. I am really struggling to eat all foods, not restrict certain foods, eat and not compensate, and stop comparing my food to what others eat. Why is this so hard? I know people always say that recovering from an eating disorder is hard, because you are literally changing the way you have thought and acted for years. These are learned behaviors which bring security and a feeling of control. In my mind, it is like learning to drive on the left side or the road rather than the right side when you have done this for years. This would take daily practice and intense focus and thought, but of course, in our quick fix society, we want things to be immediate and happen without much effort. Do not get me wrong, I am a highly motivated person, but I am also stubborn and will need to have a major reason to do something I do not want to do. Of course, I want to be healed and gain weight. As I said, I am not comfortable with my size, and actually, extremely self-conscience, like I will not wear sleeveless shirts in public because my arms are skinny, self-conscience of my how I look. This is not the life I want to live, but it is where I am at at this moment. The control and security I feel restricting my food is what brings me clarity, in a twisted way. I am praying for change in this for me, both mentally and emotionally. I know these behaviors are holding me back from having a baby, thriving in my relationships, and finding joy in daily activities.
Today has been hard, probably because I have had more time on my hands. I had a muffin I bought this morning with eggs. I did not know the number of calories in the muffin and instead of just enjoying the muffin like a normal person, I was worried all morning and did not eat a good snack. I think we will probably go grab dinner tonight where I will have either a margarita and tacos or quesadilla or a hamburger with beer and fries. This has made me so anxious, and I just ate a smaller than normal snack knowing I would be doing this tonight. My brain is constantly in “go mode” worried about these types of things, and to be honest, it is miserable. I know I have to challenge myself, even when it is hard, and although I say and really believe I want to gain weight, I refuse to do the very things that will make this possible. I am working and trying, and one day, yes, I may need to go to a counselor, as I did a few years ago. However, right now, I am hoping and praying I can work through this by relying on my God, my friends, and my family. I have also been to multiple dietitians over the years, and to be honest, this did not result in much change. I had not decided I wanted to change, and of course, they could not make me eat and do what I needed to gain the weight I need to gain in order to be a healthy woman. I HAVE to be ready and willing to make the change, and I believe I am. It is just going to take a lot of work.
Thanks for listening. Much love to all of those reading!